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Wed, 08 Aug 2012 21:40:08 -0400

Peice of my heart

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 21:36:30 -0400

So, i got matching puzzle peice tattoos with Alex today. I feel like i just got married. Its weird. Its a commitment in a way. I guess he truly loves me. Lol he leaves for school in a few weeks. Im dealing alot better. I love him and so does V. they make me happy when everything else in the world wants to bring me down.

Ugh. He’s leaving. Im drunk. Fuck everything.

Sat, 07 Jul 2012 02:10:55 -0400

Ugh. He’s leaving. Im drunk. Fuck everything.

Me and Alex

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 21:03:52 -0400

Me and Alex

the sun comes out !

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 19:56:49 -0400

Oh my! Today was my first day of work! I got the gas station job. Its a lot of more tiring activites than you think, but its not that bad. A lot of cleaning and memorizing and dealing with trashy Sullivan people but its MONEY. Alex got a job working 6 days a week so i dont see or talk to him much, but are relationship is strong and i feel secure in his love and i am so happy that i have Savannah and Alex in my life and i know sacrafices must be made if were all going to be a family one day :-) Sunday hes taking us to chuckee cheese ! things are hard, but my out look is majorly improved. ive never been so in love with a boy who makes me feel so good and secure. hes a sweetheart! ive been so depressed and i hope i stay feeling happy. i need a little sunshine :-)

My Romeo

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 21:09:57 -0400

Where do i begin? ugh. My boyfriend is a sweetheart. He took me to a cardinals game (my first game ever) and it was so much fun. He even let me listen to Justin bieber ! He did no inherit his thoughtfulness from his father though. No, his father is a monster. He sent Alex this long horrible EMail about how he is offended i have pictures on fb of him with my daughter at the zoo or some shit. Im like seriously? grow up, let him be happy. He continues to say how Im making alexs life harder and how how no one cares about alexs future except for him. Well dude, if it wasn’t for this baggage here, your son would be out smoking weed and getting drunk. But instead he’s responsible, sweet to a child who isn’t use to male kindness and he showed a girl that not all guys are the same. His dad called him arrogant and spoiled. He doesn’t even know his own son if he can call him such things! he says he’s cutting Alex off financialy. He’s 18 and about to go to college. This guys a real DICK. Alex has no responsibility when it comes to savannah. He’s never asked to buy things she needs nor does she think he’s her father. I know this has turned into a rant but it blows my mind how people are so quick to judge and hate someone they have never met! especially a harmless, sweet child! Grow up ya old fart ! damn ! i love him and he loves me. I want to marry him one day and fall asleep by him every night and wake up to him every morning. I want to see his smile everyday and hear him say I love you. This guy is dumb. You can’t tell a teen who to love, it only makes them rebell more. Someone needs to read romeo and juilet..

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Mon, 11 Jun 2012 12:19:30 -0400

Bitter sweet

Sun, 10 Jun 2012 23:31:38 -0400

Went to the zoo with Alex today. V and i got to meet his mom, step dad and siblings. They are so nice! his baby sister is savannahs age and they got along great. We rode the train and went in the little butterfly house and went in the children’s zoo. His dad is an ugly dick head ass hole but im glad his moms side accepts us :-) that makes me feel good :-) its been a hard time about my cousin. I found a silly pic i took of her and i started crying. Out of all the people i have known who have died, this death has effected me the most. I CANT GET THE FACT SHE’S ACTUALLY GONE THROUGH MY HEAD. Im overwhelmed with memories of her. Like how we went grocery shopping with another cousin of mine once and we asked the grocery boy about condoms as a joke. She was so silly. I can’t believe shes gone. She was here and now she’s not. She woke up went to school and never came home. 16 years old. Its just not right. It doesn’t seem right. Love you Emma Rae. Youre an angel now

Rip Emma. We love you

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 22:31:01 -0400

My cousin was found about four pm today. In the lake. Dead. I keep thinking of before i had V, id go to Wisconsin for the summers and hang out with her. I remember sleeping in the same bed as her and walking to mcdonalds with her and i remember one time i was drinking too much wine and she covered for me. I love you Emma. You were fun and sweet. Your family missses you. Im so sorry you only got 16 years on this planet, but you’re in a better place now. Ill always think of you.

Me and savannah on the train

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 11:05:25 -0400

Me and savannah on the train

Prayers for my cousin

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 10:56:31 -0400

I don’t even know what to say. I’ve been well for the most part, until i woke up this morning and my 16 yr old cousins picture was everywhere. she’s missing. she was at the beach in Wisconsin and when her friends went to look for her, all they found was her purse and phone. I feel sick. Like i know there are so many weirdos out there. Alex and i are doing well. He’s been super sweet lately. I really don’t want him moving with some teenage boy an hour away, but im proud of him for going to college and our relationship seems pretty solid. I’ve never felt so secure in someone’s love before. SAvannah is great. Onery and smart. Im trying to get a job at a local gas station. I passed the background check and now have to take a drug test, which is fine bc i don’t Do drugs lol things seem to slowly be looking up involving my depression. I hope Alex and i will be ok after he leaves and i hope my cousin will be found safe.

Teenage boys

Sun, 27 May 2012 09:14:04 -0400

My bf is deff crossing some lines. He had to sneek to come see me! He told his dad he was with a guy, and then he could barely stay so his dad wouldn’t figure it out. HELLO, but that’s rude. He’s making me feel like trash, like a dirty secret. My daughters pic is usualy in his truck and the coward took it out. If v was older and could comphrend his shame, id kill him. when you love someone you stand up and defend not back down like a balless sack of scum. Alex is a naive teenage. Hes quite faithful and never makes me wonder where he is and never yells or demeans me, but not really seeing or talking to me for two weeks and expecting me to pick up where we left off, is alot. I think for this one he owes savannah a trip to the zoo and fifteen min of her fav Justin beiber song. As for me, i just want him to straighten up, and i deff wouldn’t say no to any presents lol. Ugh. Teen boys.

The piano

Sat, 26 May 2012 19:26:35 -0400

Things are sorta blah. Alex’s dad is visiting and Alex is just treating me so diff! i haven’t really seen nor talked to him much. I understand he wants to spend time with his dad, but to pretend i don’t exist just bc his dad hates me for having a kid is just plain WRONG. Alex graduated though. Im very proud of him but IM scared for him to move for college. What will become of us with the distance? Man i love that boy. On another note, i started and completed a novel yesterday called the ‘piano’, and it was amazing. Have you ever read something that just stuck with you? Well this book is in a way a love story, but its not mushy and unrealistic where the man is hot and perfect. In this peice of literature, the main character is mute and has a illegitimate daughter in the mid 1800’s. Her father marries her off and makes her move across the world when his granddaughter turns nine. the woman brings her piano and her hubby trades it. So to get it back the woman has to do odd things for the man her husband gave it to. At first she hates him but she’ll do anything for her piano. Well she realizes she loves him and she has an affair and her husband finds out. He ends up chopping one of her fingers off so she can never play again. I will not give the ending away but there is a movie and Im desperate to find and watch it!

So. Alex’s dad is back on the continet for a month. He never sees his dad and his dad is a...

Wed, 23 May 2012 18:25:50 -0400

So. Alex’s dad is back on the continet for a month. He never sees his dad and his dad is a class A dick so i doubt ill see much of ny bf. Im really irritated bc i didnt see him yesterday and i wont tommorow and hes not trying to see me today. he lives 12 fucking min away and doesnt have anything going on. Im going to get tired of this neglecting shit soon. So tonight im going to go see an old friend. Just as friends. I love alex but i need to just get away for a bit and alex doesnt even know i exsist. Hes a great bf. hes the best. but hes young and rather dumb about girls. 18’s still a baby :-\ anyways i just feel like screaming. ive been so depressed lately and now im feeling neglected on top of it. we dont even talk like we use to. everything sucks sucks sucks. well no, thats not true. alex treats me very well and is loyal. also i have a healthy beautiful daughter. i love them both. theese negative feelings i cant seem to shake, are breaking me down. i want to get very drunk and sleep

i wanted to write in my journal but my family’s nosey and i would just die if any one of them read...

Tue, 22 May 2012 10:42:31 -0400

i wanted to write in my journal but my family’s nosey and i would just die if any one of them read this. I think im losing it and i just HAVE to write and see my thoughts formed into actual words. i can’t explain it. i don’t know if its depression or a break down but im not ME. Savannah constantly cries and screams these days and i can’t deal with it. Today Alex and i took her to the park and she was a brat. i think i over drafted bc of her spoiled whinning and she was a brat about her diaper and got shit all over my hand litterly. 24 7 Of alone time almost always at home with a screaming two year old. I feel we both are litterly going mad. insane. and i have the best bf ever and my stupid brain and mouth will ruin it. i broke up with him today even though i didn’t want to! just bc im scared he can never love v as his own oneday and bc im completely overwhelmed and i have not leftover patience. im just home day in and out with no car or job or babysitter. And my bf is leaving me soon. my best friend. ill feel so fucking ALONE. im not even for sure i want a kid most days. i have little interest in my own daughter who constantly throws fits. im a horrible mother for feeling that may. and im so obsessive with my bf lately. making ridiculous accusations and overthinking. i want to explain to him im losing my mind but im embarrassed. i need to see a doctor but i can’t i just can’t. im scared. i love savannah and Alex and im a peice of shit loser to them. they can do better. i have to job or car or money and im such a loser. my daughter deserves better. i Hate my life i hate it. i want to give up. i just want to stop trying.g and caring and loving. i always feel fat and ugly lately and have become obsessed with my physical imagine. i can never be satisfied with how i look and i didn’t realize how insecure and self conscious i actually am. i just am so numb and i don’t know how one chick could fuck everything up so badly.

Today i showed a picture to my daughter. It was of her handsome father. I asked her who it was. she...

Thu, 17 May 2012 20:33:45 -0400

Today i showed a picture to my daughter. It was of her handsome father. I asked her who it was. she said she didn’t know. Can you imagine looking at a picture of your own dad and not being able to recognize him? Maybe its because he’s never met, talked to, or done anything for her. Being a single mom is like the hardest thing ever. Its a lonely, sleep deprived, tight budget kind of lifestyle. And a heavy heart kind of one. The one thing she needs most, i can’t give it to her. Im becoming extremely overwhelmed and depressed. Ever since a year ago when i broke up with a rich jerk everything went down hill. sometimes i think i should have stayed. at least she’d be very well taken care of and have a father. I love my bf but he’s just a kid and can’t even begin to be the things v and i need the most.

well my i found my babys daddys Facebook page. half of me wants to request him be like hey...

Wed, 16 May 2012 19:35:14 -0400

well my i found my babys daddys Facebook page. half of me wants to request him be like hey you’re daughter, her name is savannah. she’s got your eyes and my curly hair and she’s hilarious. she’s smart and beautiful and demanding.. and she’s asking where you are. but the wise part of me is saying don’t mess with it. he’d just be a disappointment and that little angel doesn’t deserve it and i can’t handle that. i wish Alex would just be like heather eff him. one day when im older i will adopt her and love her as my own. she doesn’t need him she’s mine

to model or not to model

Tue, 15 May 2012 15:30:33 -0400

so i was approached about doing some small time (yet kinda racy :-\) modeling. The one gig would pay 500 cash and a paid trip to Italy. Theres no guarantee about jobs after that. Sure it would be way cool to get into pro modeling, but its so.. REVEALING. The other girls who did it are very equipped and def not shy. My bf wasn’t against it. I kinda wanted him to be. He’s not very protective or possessive. controlling is bad, but a little possesivness is so adorabley hot! Im trying to get a job at a gas station. I think my bf wants me to model but that’s just his teen mind wanting bragging rights. Thursday is my uncles funeral. My bf was so sweet and offered to go with me so he could be there for me. It was touching.

goodbyes

Mon, 14 May 2012 22:33:41 -0400

im a mix of emotions. today my uncle died. i was suppose to go see him tonight but now i obviously can’t. stupid cancer. a goodbye isn’t something you can do when you loose your chance. ugh. goodbyes suck. my bf, my best friend, is leaving at the end of the summer for stupid college. i will hardly see him! he’s the best guyci know. sure he could be a little more romantic and charming but he’s REAL and HONEST and LOYAL and DEPENDABLE. i didn’t know guys could treat me right until i met him. and now hes LEAVING me? i don’t feel like i can face the world with out him. what happens when he becomes busy with his own life and realizes he can do so much better than me? im just numb right now. goodbyes are the hardest.

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Fri, 04 May 2012 00:15:31 -0400